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Visit these other humorous sites by the same author:

Eat, Drink and
Really Be Merry

Home Is Where
the Dirt Is

Middle Age and Other Mistakes

Pop Goes the Culture

What's New, Emu?

Laughing Matters Ink

I Was Absent


Copyright © 2001, 2002, 2003.
All rights reserved.
Spam, Goddam!

page 2


email dumpHow does one get out of this spam? Aye, therein lies the rub! Unfortunately, once spammers find you, they do not like to say goodbye. Your address is already "out there" and circulating, like that phone number scrawled on the wall of a public bathroom. One possible answer is to set up an alternate e-mail address with a "free mail" website, such as Yahoo Mail.com or Hotmail.com in the hopes that this address will become a disposable spam catcher. Keep the primary address for friends, relatives and business associates only and this may curtail the odds of winding up on a spammer’s mailing list. (If your friends, relatives and business associates are unscrupulous, then you, dear reader, are up the creek without a you know what!)

Help is on the way perhaps, in the form of an E-mail Filter or Message Rule. This can be established within one’s own e-mail program. Using such a device, only e-mail from a particular source (i.e., multiple spam messages from the same sender, with a consistently recognizable word in the Subject or From line) could be automatically deleted or moved to a separate mail folder for later examination. If you add a message to the roster of blocked senders then all future messages coming from that exact address will be blocked. If the spammers change their address, you are back to square one unless you one up them by deleting such phrases as get out of debt or lose weight in the subject line. Hopefully, this will help to nip these annoying advertisements in their irritating buds (butts).

The SpamSquelcher (a trademark of the ePrivacy Group) slows spam down instead of filtering it. This approach has its own unique benefits. First of all, legitimate inbound traffic is delivered faster and is never blocked by false positives. (The rabbit never dies!) Secondly, network resource consumption by spam is greatly reduced, allowing costly server upgrades to be deferred. SpamSquelcher enables the control of bandwidth, server capacity and support costs created by spam. When spammers encounter filters, they find ways to work around them. There is no way, however, for them to work around delayed response times, which block their own servers and messages. The overall effect is that users on a spam squelcher-protected network see very little spam, while their legitimate e-mail arrives faster.

junk mailResist the urge to respond to spam messages, as direct replies are usually fruitless and often treacherous. By replying, you are telling these pests that your address is valid and that you received their message. Bam again! Now they have nothing to lose by sending you even more junk mail! Take a more proactive role in curtailing spam. Don’t stand back and let it accumulate and drive you mad! Do something about it! Contact CAUCE (Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail) and learn more about counterspam tactics, such as Spam Cop, Abuse Net and S.P.U.T.U.M (Newsgroup Spam and Counter-Spam Tactics).

Although P.T. Barnum has not drawn a breath, legal or otherwise, for more than a century, his ilk, (cyber-scam artists) still lurk among the pesky, unpatrolled shadows of the Internet. Microsoft’s move to open a legal front can only aid in recognizing spam as a global problem. Better technology via the Internet industry, such as blocking and filtering tools, offer hope to those of us still drowning in junk e-mail. We must all do our part by never buying any product sold via spam. It will only stop flooding our in-boxes when it stops working! Whether your road is political, moral, activist or passive don’t ever buy one million addresses for ten dollars! If the offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If after all these admonitions you are still in the market to buy from spammers, give me a call. I’ll be able to put you in touch with someone I used to know before he went to prison. He has his very own bridge to sell even though at one time it used to connect Manhattan with some of the other boroughs in New York!

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Don't miss this excellent book:

The Spam Cook Book

by Linda Eggers

The Spam Cook Book

A one of a kind cookbook, die cut in the shape of the familiar SPAM can. This collection of recipes is framed by a rich anecdotal history of the famous luncheon meat.

Click to printClick for a printer friendly version of this article.